"How to Discipline Under Pressure"

By Jim Burns, Ph.D.

Disciplining is a training process for both kids and their parents - in fact, I think it's pretty safe to say that proper discipline is 2/3 parent training and 1/3 kid training!

The purpose of parental discipline is to teach responsibility. Unfortunately, for many of us parents, our primary objective is evoking obedience instead. And, to be perfectly honest, most of us try to do the "discipline thing" when we're upset, tired, or frustrated
. . . really in no shape to do so.

Okay - so where do we begin? Well, for openers, recognize that good parenting involves training our children in the areas of choices and consequences. In fact, the guiding force for parenting is found in Proverbs 22:6 - "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Keep that promise in mind at all times when you are sticking to your strategy and you won't be disappointed. (Notice there's nothing in that verse about forced obedience, by the way.)

Here are a few lessons on using choices and consequences in your discipline strategy -

  1. Involve your child in consequential decision-making.   Give him or her a say in to what the boundaries should be - you have the final say, of course. Then, let your son or daughter be involved in setting the consequences for missing the mark. Kids respond much better to clearly defined discipline rather than randomly assessed punishment.

  2. Consequences must match the problem.   Not such an easy thing to do if you try to decide on those consequences when you're upset. Some parents tend to panic when their children begin to rebel even a little bit. But, if the "punishment fits the crime," you'll have an easier time disciplining them if they do.

  3. Express your expectations clearly.   Write 'em down if need be -- and in words that make sense to your child. Be absolutely clear . . . ask your children to tell you what they understand your expectations are. If they're not clear on the rules, how can we expect them to be followed?

  4. Discipline calmly.   By and large, parents don't give out discipline well when they're angry. Instead, what usually ends up happening is that they wind up saying something they don't mean . . . in a decree that invariably starts with one of the least effective phrases in the English language - "You will never . . .!" If your son or daughter really blew it and you decide the punishment is no computer privileges for a week, you better be ready to play "cyber cop" at home and keep them off that laptop. Otherwise, you'll be sending a mixed message to your child . . . one that will get in the way of what you're ultimately trying to teach him or her.

Also, remember to attack the behavior - not the person. Your words have power, Mom and Dad. They'll either boost up or destroy your child. Use words to heal!

(Excerpted from "How to be a Happy, Healthy Family" by Jim Burns, Ph.D. Click here for more information on how your family can benefit from having a copy of this helpful book.)  [opens in a new window]

Copyright YouthBuilders 2004