Questions & Answers

(features a new question from parents each month)

April 2010

Q: My son told me he has been playing online poker. He's lost a lot of money, some of which he has charged on my credit card. He is spending less time with his friends. I'm afraid this is affecting his grades in school, too. What can I do to help him stop?

A: For many teens, a game or two of cards is a fun way to spend time with friends. But for a small number, the gambling soon gets out of control.

That seems to be what's happened with your son. To help your son get back on track:

• Talk to your son. Let him know you're on his side and that you are glad he's come to you for help. Tell him that he needs to recognize that he has a serious gambling problem. Gambling has isolated him from friends and affected his schoolwork. It has put him--and you--in a financial bind. And he seems unable to stop.
• Cut off access to the Internet right away. Move the computer to a central location in your home. Tell your son that he can be on the computer only when you are there to supervise.
• Get help. Gambling can become an addiction as powerful as any other. Organizations such as Gamblers Anonymous can help.
• Make him take responsibility for the money he has lost. Help him get a job. Then set up a plan so he can pay you back.

As the song says, gamblers need to know "when to fold 'em." Your son's addiction means the time to quit is now.

March 2010

Q: My teen was always an above-average student. But now in her tenth grade year, her grades have dropped. She has a new group of friends--people I don't know and don't really like. She's lost interest in school, and in other activities like sports that she used to enjoy. Recently, I've caught her lying about things--from a grade on a test to where she's going. I am worried she might be using drugs. What should I?do?

A: Any one of the changes in your teen's behavior might be a cause for worry. But taken together, they point in a dangerous direction.

Your teen is at risk of using drugs. You need to be open to that possibility, and you need to start thinking about what you'll do if you learn it's the truth.

First, try to talk with her teachers. They may be seeing the same things. They may even have some added insights. Tell them about your worries. Ask them to stay in touch with you.

Learn all you can about drug abuse. The National Institute on Drug Abuse (www.nida.nih.gov) has accurate information for parents.

You're going to have to talk with your teen. Tell her what you have seen. Tell her what you suspect. Then be sure your teen gets outside help. Your family doctor may offer some ideas on where to get help.

Trust your instincts. If you suspect your teen is using drugs, you're probably right. Delaying action won't help, so act as quickly as you can.

February 2010

Q: My daughter tells me she falls asleep in her English class! It's her first-period class and she says that a combination of a subject she doesn't like and the early hour just knock her out. What can I do?

A: Studies show that most teens are not, by nature, morning people. But they have to get up and get to school anyway.

Sleeping in class is a problem. First, your daughter is obviously missing some of what the teacher has to say. If she already struggles with English, this will make the situation worse.

She is also hurting her relationship with the teacher. If she ever wants extra help, the teacher may wonder why she didn't pay attention the first time he taught the material.

So work with her to find ways she can stay awake during her class. Here are two ideas:

1. Enforce a bedtime. No, your teen won't like it. But as long as she can't meet her responsibilities in the morning, she'll just have to go along.
   Make sure your teen knows that bedtime means "no media." Don't let her keep her cell phone in her room for recharging--she'll send text messages all night. Turn off the computer and the TV, too.
2. Encourage her to make some changes in class. Have her talk with the teacher and request a seat near the front of the room.

A combination of more sleep and a little more focus should keep your teen awake during all her classes, even the early-morning ones.

January 2010

Q: My son is a nonconformist. His clothes, his hairstyle, even the music he listens to are all very different from most of the students in his school. So he doesn't have a lot of friends. He has strong opinions, many of which I do not share. He constantly questions me and his teachers. Still, he's polite and he works hard. How can I help him through his high school years?

A: Adolescence is tough enough. But when a teen intentionally sets himself apart, the challenges can become magnified.

You are clearly working hard to keep the lines of communication open with your son. That's important. Don't feel that you need to argue with him on every point. Sometimes, you can shrug off his comment by saying, "Well, that's certainly an interesting point of view."

You also are doing a good job by trying to pick your battles. Hair and clothing are hardly ever worth a fight.

Be sure you also:

• Continue to look for his positive qualities. Praise him in private--and in public. He needs to know that you truly are proud of the things he does.
• Help him find outlets for his talents. These successes will continue to give him confidence in his abilities. His talents may eventually turn into a lifetime career.

He may never completely fit in while he's in high school. But by helping him develop a solid sense of who he is, he can be successful and happy in college and in a career.

December 2009

Q: My daughter's worrying has me worried. Before every test, she's sure she will fail. As a result, she does worse than she would if she could relax. She worries about being popular. So she goes overboard. On her last group project, she did the work of four people. She is a good student and a nice kid. How can I help her worry a little less?

A: The teen years can be tough. But your teen is making things harder than they need to be. Because she's always worrying about the future, she's not able to enjoy the present.

Here's how you can help:

• Help your teen develop a sense of proportion. For example, not everything has to be perfect. There are times when "good enough" really is just that.
• Set some limits on how your teen studies. Tell her that getting a good night's sleep will lead to a better test score than cramming all night. Then set--and enforce--a curfew.
• Help your teen avoid taking on too much responsibility the next time a group project rolls around. Agree to play the "heavy" so she can say, "My mom says I have to help her this weekend. Sorry--I can't do that part of the project."
• Pay close attention. While your teen is learning to handle her anxiety, you need to be aware of another potential danger. Anxious teens sometimes "self-medicate" with alcohol or marijuana. So be on the alert for signs that she is using drugs or alcohol.

November 2009

Q: My tenth-grade daughter has always done anything to get her own way. Even in grade school, I often gave in rather than deal with her tantrums. But now she's totally rebellious. She refuses to do anything I ask. She calls me names. She acts the same way at school and the teachers are as frustrated as I am. How can we help this child get back in control?

A: All teens go through periods of rebelling against authority. But your daughter has moved beyond what's acceptable--at home and at school.

And while dealing with her defiance will be tough, deal with it you must. Otherwise, she'll never be able to hold a job, have a healthy relationship or live with others.

Here's what to do:

• Meet with her teachers. You all need to be on the same page--and you'll need to present a united front.
• Set up some basic expectations. Choose your battles, but do focus on things like speaking respectfully to others.
• Let her know that there will be consequences for her actions. The consequences should be roughly proportional to what she's done. (Taking the car without permission is not the same as calling someone a name.)
• Enforce consequences when she tests the limits. Stay calm and remember that she needs a parent, not a friend.
• Look for help for your daughter and for yourself. A friendly boss, a Big Sister, a mentor or a coach can all help you both navigate this troubling time.

October 2009

Q: How can I tell if my son has a drinking problem? He stopped spending time with his old friends and now hangs around with an older crowd. They are poor students, and I suspect they drink.

I work during the day, but lately I have the feeling that he and his friends may be in the house during school hours when I'm away. His grades are dropping and he doesn't want to go to school in the morning.

A: Your instincts are probably right. The description of your son includes many of the warning signs that he may in fact have a problem with alcohol or drugs. In order to know for sure, you can:

• Talk with your son. Be sure he knows that drug and alcohol use are unacceptable in your family. Help him see that continuing to use alcohol or drugs will prevent him from achieving his goals--whether they are to go to college, join the military or get a good job.
• Supervise him more closely. Insist that he tell you where he's going and who he'll be with. Don't be afraid to tell him he can't associate with certain kids.
• Talk to your neighbors if you can't be home during the day. Ask them to contact you if they ever see your teen at home when he should be at school.
• Talk to the school. Ask them to call you at work (so you are sure to get the message) if your son skips class.
• Consider getting help for yourself. Groups like Al-Anon can help you learn ways to deal with your son's alcohol problems.

September 2009

Q: My daughter wants to do her homework while listening to music. She says it helps her concentrate better and get more done. Our rule has always been that she needs to do homework in a quiet place because she says other noise distracts her. As we start the school year, I want to set rules for homework that will help her do her best in school. Can she learn while she listens to music?

A: As with so many parenting issues, the answer to this one is, "It depends." The research on this topic has found no single clear answer. To find the right answer for your child:

• Ask yourself questions. How well is your daughter doing now? Is she doing her best? Is she earning good grades or is she just getting by?
• Pay close attention to your daughter as she studies with the music on. Is she singing along with the words of the song? If so, she isn't paying full attention to her homework--no matter what she says. In that case, she may need to confine her study-time music to music without lyrics.
• Try an experiment. For one month, have her do her homework with no music. Then give her a month to study with music. Compare the results. Did homework take longer? Were her grades higher?

And while you're making rules for study time, think about other noise. Since your daughter says that other noise is distracting, think about a no-TV-during-homework rule. You can pay bills, read or do other quiet work.